Tag Archives: humor

Are You Talking to Me?

17 Sep

When you call a business, do you sometimes continue to carry on side conversations after dialing the business?

If so, did you know that the person at the other end of the line can hear you clearly…and sometimes hear the others too? Especially when you are shouting?

This week at work, I answered a call with my usual professional greeting, and immediately the caller shouted, “Grab your underwear and put some lotion on!”

Then she began speaking to me as if nothing had happened.

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Feathers, Sequins, and Sailor Hats, Oh My!

27 Jan

Sometimes you just need to laugh.

This gallery of absurdly bad “glam” photos show made my day!

(Click on the link below)

http://photos.ellen.warnerbros.com/galleries/hot_glam_girl

Inconceivable!

12 Jun

My life has been full of surprises this year.

I didn’t expect to move to another state.

I didn’t expect to find a beautiful 100% cashmere, beaded, Oscar de la Renta sweater at The Salvation Army store for $1.99, in my size. Sure, there is a tiny chip on one of the beads. Beads can be replaced, people! Would you give away a classic Mustang because it had a flat tire? I don’t think so.

I didn’t expect to see horizontal lightning while driving home from work. I’m pretty sure they don’t have that kind of lightning back in California.

I didn’t expect to get a bowl of soup with my meal when we went to lunch that day, but there it was…soft yellow, creamy looking, in a little white rimmed bowl, on a little white plate, served with a rounded spoon and two traditional cracker packets. Perfect.

“What kind is it?” my husband asked.

“Cold!” I exclaimed in surprise, “and lemony…or just sour.”

Confusion set in before I realized, with embarrassing clarity, that what I had tasted was not soup at all. This was the Italian dressing for the salad I had ordered.

Your Clutter Just Wants You to Be Happy

7 Dec

“Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.”—Unknown

Could some of your clothes make you happy by leaving your closet? Would the disappearance of that pile of papers put a spring in your step?

If the glass hummingbird figurine your grandmother gave you when you were in grade school suddenly took flight through an open window, would you breathe a sigh of relief?

Imagine that your clutter wants what is best for you.

If only the expired coupons had hands, they would toss themselves right into the waste basket. If the shoes that hurt your feet could walk on their own, they would have shuffled off to the thrift store ages ago.

Those old VHS tapes regret taking up your shelf space. They don’t want to stand in your way. They want you to be fulfilled, to live the life you have always dreamed of.

Make it an amicable parting of ways.

5 Signs That You Need to Organize Your Home

31 Aug

Sign #1:  You found your hairbrush in the microwave.

Sign #2:  The spiders have constructed a town hall and drafted a constitutional charter.

Sign #3:  The coat stand tipped over and crushed your favorite end table.

Sign #4:  To get to the spare room, you need to climb out the window, dangle from the eaves and crawl through a ventilation shaft. (Be sure to bring a flashlight and a grappling hook.)

Sign #5:  Poor Aunt Delores hasn’t been seen since she opened up the pantry door to find the dog food. What day was that? Where is the dog? Well, maybe they went for a really long walk…

Be Careful What You Wish For

17 Jul

I have spent the weekend primarily in bed, recovering from a particular type of illness.  My time tested self-medication includes: rest, water, ice, Canada Dry ginger ale, and Saltine crackers — in that order.

My menu has recently expanded to allow mugs of hot, salty broth and bowls of Wheaties seeped in rice milk.  The chicken tandoori being consumed downstairs has been politely refused; yesterday, the smell of garlicky pork nearly caused a relapse.

Only hours before the gastric rebellion commenced, I had enjoyed (courtesy of a dear friend) a remarkable meal delicately prepared by a short, mustached man with the name Gustavo embroidered over his heart.  He came to our table to explain each delicious course.  I remember a kale pesto, a risotto with white truffle oil, and some other things only barely within my food vocabulary.  Apparently, I was not meant to absorb the nutritional benefits of this feast.

Gustavo is not to blame, I want to make that clear.

I felt nauseated on the drive up to the city.  I had thought perhaps my belt was too tight, and so the belt was left abandoned in the foot-well of the car.  My dear husband had asked me earlier, “Is that what you’re wearing?”, so I wasn’t worried about spoiling my glamorous look.  Without the belt, I still felt slightly ill, but I chalked it up to the mysterious ‘car sickness’ I have heard about from others.  ‘There is a first time for everything,’ I thought to myself, rather optimistically.

I wished for my queasiness to go away long enough for me to enjoy a rare evening out.  My wish came true.

Earlier in the day, I had looked inside the pantry and wished for the ginger ale and crackers I had bought weeks ago to be consumed, rather than wasted.  That wish also came true.

I can think of better wishes, now.

Be Yourself, But Be Reasonable

23 Apr

After reading a thought provoking blog post from Backstage Spotlight, called “Be Yourself, But Don’t Disagree with Me” regarding that elusive balance of honest expression and conversational harmony, I was inspired to extend the topic in my own way.

My idea is that you should Be Yourself, But Be Reasonable.  I honestly don’t care if you disagree with me or not, just be tactful and make some sense, for pity’s sake!

Last night I had a conversation with one of my kids that made me want to bang my head against a wall.

I saw a game controller tipped at the edge of the counter, like a car with one wheel over a cliff, and when I alerted him to the problem, the conversation went something like this…

That controller looks like it’s going to fall.

No, it didn’t.

What?

No, it didn’t.

I didn’t say that it did, I said it looked like it was going to.

Yeah, I know.

What?

What?

I don’t understand.

It didn’t fall.

(Pause) I heard you.  I am saying that I don’t understand, because your response didn’t make sense.

Yes, it did.  I said it didn’t fall.

No, what I mean is that I was talking about the future, but you were talking about the past, so it didn’t make sense.

What you just said doesn’t make sense.

Umm…I was…  The future and the past are different.

I know.

~~~

He will be in middle school next year.  Teachers, consider yourself warned!

Seriously, I want my kids to be themselves, and to feel comfortable talking to me — I want everyone to feel that way.  The tricky part is that I want the same in return.

We all have different interests and perspectives and personalities.  We have different opinions, too.  For example, Backstage Spotlight used an example conversation about The Pirates of the Caribbean movies, but I don’t have very strong feelings about those movies, so I am going to use The Sound of Music for my own examples.  I have seen that film more times than I have seen any other film.

You don’t have to agree with me.  You don’t need to like The Sound of Music just because I do.  Go ahead, express yourself.  Just be reasonable and polite about it — and, please, get your verbs straight.

If I say that I like The Sound of Music and you say that you don’t like musicals, I understand your opinion.  If you say it is an endlessly boring and stupid movie, well, then I understand that you are rude, but hey, at least you are honest.

If I say that I like The Sound of Music and you say that you like it too, then you are probably a woman.  If you say that you like doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles, then I know that you have probably seen the film as many times as I have.

If I say that I like The Sound of Music and you say “No, it didn’t“, then I understand that you and my kid should get together and play video games, because neither one of you makes any sense.

One of the biggest arguments I have ever had with anyone started up after I spent time gushing about a college class I was really enjoying at the time, and about all that I was learning from the class.  The person to whom I was speaking responded (essentially) by giving the opinion that classes similar to the one I spoke about were worthless, stupid, and a waste of time.

Now, this was, I thought, a clear and personal insult, given the fact that I had just expressed my enthusiasm for the class.  I took offense.

I would submit that a better response would have been something like, “I wouldn’t be interested in a class like that.  I  just don’t think I would get anything out of it.  I would rather take a class about —–.”  To me, that is still an honest response, just a more polite one; it is a response that supports communication instead of ending it.

In any case, I think we can be ourselves and have our own opinions and still get along.  All we need to do is to be tactful and reasonable, and know the difference between past and future verb tenses.

(with thanks to Backstage Spotlight for the inspiration!)